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The Wiggle Method™

Scientists Don't Want You To Know This One Weird Arm Trick

Attract wild squirrels instantly using nothing but your arms and a deep, unshakable commitment to looking ridiculous in public.

Squirrels attracted so far: 0

The "Science"

97.3%
of squirrels surveyed* cannot resist a properly executed elbow flutter
3.2 Hz
the optimal Acorn Resonance Frequency of the human forearm
0
peer-reviewed studies that back any of this up

*Survey consisted of one squirrel, observed for four seconds, from a distance, through a fogged-up window.

The 7 Sacred Wiggles

Perform in sequence. Do not skip a wiggle. The squirrels will know.

  1. 1

    The Acorn Beckon

    Raise your left arm and flutter your fingers downward like a leaf that has given up on life.

  2. 2

    The Bushy Tail Mirror

    Wave your other arm behind you in a slow arc, mimicking a tail you do not have.

  3. 3

    The Nervous Twitch

    Shake both hands rapidly at chest height, as if you are extremely cold or extremely guilty.

  4. 4

    The Canopy Reach

    Stretch both arms overhead and wiggle your fingers like branches in a gentle, judgmental breeze.

  5. 5

    The Cheek Pouch Cha-Cha

    Puff out your cheeks, bring your hands to your face, and wiggle your elbows side to side. Maintain eye contact with absolutely no one.

  6. 6

    The Freeze-Then-Bolt

    Hold completely still for three seconds, then sprint four feet in a random direction. This confuses predators and small children.

  7. 7

    The Grand Fluffle

    Wiggle both arms simultaneously above your head while humming the tune of your choice. This is the wiggle that seals the deal.

What "Experts" Are Saying

"I did the Cheek Pouch Cha-Cha in my backyard and now a squirrel just stares at me through the window every morning. I don't know if that's success or a threat."

— Gary, Wiggle Method Devotee

"My neighbors have stopped talking to me, but the squirrel population in my yard is up 400%. Worth it."

— Denise, Backyard Wildlife Enthusiast

"I am a licensed wildlife biologist and I need everyone to stop sending me this website."

— Dr. Someone, Definitely Not Affiliated

"10/10 wiggle. My cat is also very concerned about me now."

— Marcus, Cat Owner

Frequently Asked Questions

Does this actually work?

No.

Is there any scientific basis for the Acorn Resonance Frequency?

Absolutely not. We made that up between the second and third stat card.

Should I actually do this in a public park?

That is between you, your local squirrels, and whoever is filming you for their "weird guy in the park" compilation.

Is The Wiggle Method™ patented?

Patent pending in the Kingdom of Sciurus, population: several squirrels, none of whom have signing authority.

Can I get a refund?

You didn't pay anything. This one's on the house. You're welcome.